The Fuckery That is My Life

The thoughts behind a girl trying to get through life.

I wonder.

I wonder how many people look in the mirror and hate what they see every time.

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE.

Just having sex with a freshman, no big deal. He was born in 95. That’s even younger than my freshman sister.

That’s sad. And I cant find myself to care anymore. I can’t find figure out how to make myself care. I just don’t anymore. At all. And its scaring me.

Fat.

Ugh. Fat fat fat fat fat fat. That is what I am. The double chin is back, I am 140 pounds, and i am just so fat. The mirror i have in my room at my apartment distorts your image to think that one is skinnier than they are. I just came home and looked in the mirror and I am huge. My stomach is just so fucking fat. I don’t understand how any guy could possibly even remotely find me attractive. I don’t understand why I keep eating. I don’t understand why I make myself so fat. It depresses me so much. And now I hate myself for it.

I’m losing control over my weight.

2 things I really don’t understand

I’m 21 years old and there are 2 things that I completely don’t understand… At all. And it’s all about societal perception.

1. Why is it that girls should “wait”

2. Why is it looked down upon a female when she has casual sex, or event more than a very small number of sexual partners?

In regards to number 1, why should we wait? I understand that many females do so until marriage for religious reasons… But why? Why would god want you to abstain from sex only to turn around and allow you to have it with your “true love” but all that ends up happening is that your in withering pain the entirety of your honeymoon and literally have no idea what you’re doing? You yourself is experiencing no joy, no happiness, just a bunch of awkward pain with your “one”. Why would god want this? I feel like a honeymoon should be enjoyable sex between a man and a women. It should be a fun, loving experience that feels good and is full of joy, and passion, and most importantly the goodness of feeling love and being one with your lover who is now officially your husband. To me, option b seems like a better route. Wouldn’t god want you to feel good on your honeymoon? Wouldn’t he want you to experience pleasure and to pleasure your lover? Wouldn’t he want you to be confident in yourself and know what your doing vs feeling awkward and being in pain?

I understand waiting to a certain extent… As in waiting for your first time to be with a boyfriend or even a really good friend. I think it is important for a girls first time to be with someone she can trust, but after that… Waiting doesn’t seem necessary. The only reason why I say wait to be with someone you trust is so nothing is awkward when you do it for the first time. Losing it to a stranger would just be weird. So, saving it to marriage or even until your first serious boyfriend when your 25 just seems a little extreme.

Looking at number 2, why are girls judged for liking sex? It’s a horrible and cruel social outlook, especially with the sexual endeavors of men being looked at the complete opposite if a girls. This has been something argued for a long time and the basic question still remains, why?

A male that goes a bangs the entire cheer leading squad is looked at by a hero, but a girl that hits 4 football players is immediately a football groupie whore. Why? Why is it that a guys number could be in the 50s but a girls number past like 10 is shunned? No freaking idea.

The way I see it - sex is fun. Sex is sex. A physical act. At least for me, where no feelings are attached, nor have ever been attached, it really is just that - a physical act that feels good. Why does sex always have to mean something? Why is it such a big deal? Why are we supposed to do it with someone that means something, with someone that actually gives a shit? Idk. The way I see it… As long as a girl protects herself from pregnancy and stds then why does it matter what she does in the bedroom? Who is it hurting?

Even more so… If a girl has casual sex and doesn’t tell the entire world about it, and keeps it on the DL, is she really a whore? I look at whores as girls that sleep with A BUNCH of guys and EVERYONE knows. The girls I look at as whores are girls that I don’t know…. But I know much of their sexual endeavors. If a girl can keep what she does secret, cant she still have fun, casual sex and not be a whore? If she doesn’t walk around with her tits out in your face all day but still have sex… Is she still a whore? I don’t think so. If she can carry herself as a classy person with her priorities in the right place, but just secretly have a bedroom life, who the hell is to look down on her? Who the hell is to call her a whore? But more so- why does she even have to keep this a secret.

Why does a girls number define if she is a whore or not? If she conducts herself okay in public, if she has a positive life going for herself, WHY DOES IT MATTER?? We all judge. We hear a number and were like DAMN, SHE IS A WHORE. But is she really? Does a number really define if she is a whore? I don’t think it should. I just think the whole thing is stupid.

I think that if a girl wants to have sex, she should damn well have sex with whoever she pleases without judgement. The world needs to stop giving a fuck who a girl is sleeping with and focus more on their own life.

Me, I look at sex as a game. As a conquest. I have my goals, I have my prey, and I sort forth with my life looking to succeed with my goals. Once a goal is accomplished I am proud, then move on to the next. It’s just a fun little game for me. It’s not special, it’s not emotional, it is just a game. And I’m completely fine with this game… Because it saves me a whole lot of heartache and issues that I watch my friends deal with.

No man will ever care.

I’ve literally come to the conclusion that no guy will ever actually give a shit about me.

And regarding my previous post, I think thats what hurt me the most about this guy. When we ‘hanging’ out for the brief moments, he acted like heĀ  cared. He would hold me and cuddle with me and for once in my life I felt like someone cared. No guy has ever made me feel like that. And then i find out it was all a lie. That’s honestly the part that makes me angry the most. The fact that he acted like he cared. The fact that I was naive and thought it may go somewhere.

In general, the fact that I thought a guy actually cared about me.

I Just Don’t Understand. Males.

I honestly don’t think I have every been as blind sided as I have been by this guy. Like ever in my life. I’ve literally known him for the past two years and I seriously thought he was the nicest guy ever. Like he was such a gentlemen and treated woman with so much respect and was so ridiculously nice to everyone. And then we spent the whole summer texting and driving an hour or so to see each other. Then school starts and we started hooking up - and fucked twice - only twice btw because he has issues and couldn’t get it up a few times? But when he could it was great. But literally like one day he stopped texting me as much. And I assumed it was because he was super busy, which was fine because I was super busy so it was no big deal. And then I started questioning it because he stopped texting me back as much - unless it had to deal with school. So I asked him if we were okay. And he said we were and that he was just busy. So I went on thinking we were fine. Then I asked him to come over for sex and he didn’t. Then I went to his fraternity’s party and he didn’t say a word to me. the whole time he was talking to a girl in this fucking whore sorority. this girl that is a fucking whore - which is funny because he hates whores. so there’s a joke. and then i realized he met her in lip sync and literally ditched my ass for hers. He never once took me to a date function and took her to his fifth and cuffs. And I had to find out from Facebook. The one thing I asked him to do was be honest with me. The one thing I asked. And he couldn’t even tell me what was actually going on. Honestly, he led me on. This summer I asked what was going on and he said idk we’ll just see where it goes. Well if I had known that I was going to waste my summer, my time, my money, and a number on his ass for something that when school started, lasted for like 3 weeks, that literally went no where, I would take it all back in a heartbeat. I settled with him. I honestly really liked him. I played it off like I didn’t, but I did. And he obviously didn’t give two flying fucks about me, let alone respect me enough maybe not as a fuck buddy at least as a friend, like we were, to tell me he found someone new, but also the fact that he literally found someone new and dropped me on my ass. In all the future possibilities I came up with in my head, this was not one of them. I seriously thought he was a nice guy and he is just an asshole. And I honest to god hate him. I literally hate him. Whats worse is that he knew that with the other guy I used to talk to, we ended because he just stopped talking to me. And that is what this guy did to me. I am just so hurt. And angry. And pissed the fuck off. We would always joke around about how he loved saying “go fuck yourself” and we’d say it to each other as a joke. Now, If I ever got the chance, I would stare at him directly in the eyes and say in the nastiest way I can,

go fuck yourself.

It’s crazy that’s boys think we’re crazy.

The amount of times we hear boys say that girls are crazy is probably enough to make everyone rich. But what if really, the ‘craziness’ of girls is just a reaction that occurs when a girl reaches her absolute breaking point because a boy has driven her so far down a dark alley. What if really, girls start out completely sane and endures a guy treating her like shit, possibly cheating, being mean, dragging her along, taking her for granted, and then hits a breaking point and cracks. Yet the story told isn’t every indiscretion and bad behavior the boy has done to the girl for the past whatever amount of time, but the story told is how some bitch is crazy. Or went crazy.


Honestly, all any girl wants is to be loved. All any girl wants is to be held and feel like that for once, everything is okay because she has someone that truly cares for her, someone that accepts every one if her flaws unconditionally. All any girl wants is to be loved. To know what It is like to be loved. To have someone that will care and protect her. That’s all we want. And whether we act like it or not, every girl wants a boyfriend. Every girl wants someone to think shes special. And the sad part about this is that I honestly think guys don’t realize this.

I think guys are just stupid. And crazy. And they’re the ones who don’t know what they want, not us. Because we all know exactly what we want and they’re the ones that will string us along while they’re making up their minds on what they actually want. And during this stringing along part is usually when a girl that knows what she wants (the guy) cracks, because he eventually shows that after all that time he does not actually want her. And there is nothing more hurtful then thinking there is someone who cares when in actuality, they really don’t.

The thing I don’t think people realize about me…

Is that I’m a deep person.

Mentally, at least.

I don’t portray my emotions. I dont talk about my emotions. I don’t get very deep with people, that happens hardly at all. Yet, I feel that my thought process and mind allows me to be a deep person. I don’t say how I feel yet I understand what I am feeling, where it is comming from, I understand situations and why they have happened. I can see what is happening without a sugar coating of dillusionedness. I just see things the way they are, whereas I feel most people dont… or cant. I often wonder how people look at me. If they think i’m shallow, if they think i’m funny, if they think i’m deep or if they think i’m a good friend.

Just curious. I can’t think of any particular ‘deep’ conversation I might have had with someone, but I really hope that someone sees it.

Beginning of Summer 2013

I honestly forgot about this blog until a few days ago. It’s been summer break for nearly three weeks and the thought of this didn’t even cross my head until the other day. It’s really amazing how far i’ve come.

A year ago, i would be starting a time period of my life that was the most depressing. Last summer was awful, and full of a lot of reality checks and loneliness. This summer is different, and not in the sense that I have all these friends now or that all these things have changed, its just my mind set. Somewhere along the course of the past year I found myself much more content with myself than before. Just because I didn’t have people blowing up my phone to hang out or some party to go to every night doesn’t mean i’m some lonely failure.

All I do, like last summer, is go to work, unpack, and attempt to diet. Same as last summer. Except now i’m just so content with it. I like getting off work, watching tv with mom and dad for a little, and going to bed. I like just hanging out around the house doing nothing/entertaining myself until I work. I don’t feel lonely or depressed or have some sense of just failure. If anything, my only thought now is to lose weight. Like last summer, but last summer I felt even more so of a failure than this (because I managed to, for the most part, keep my weight at an okay spot opposed to gaining like 60 lbs). I don’t know what changed. Like I don’t even have the desire to really reach out to these people to go get lunch or something. Like, will I to keep in touch? Yeah of course. But i don’t feel this need for human interaction outside of my family. I don’t know what it is, i don’t know if it is just a state of mind or maturity, but I am happy where I am at. Very happy. So far away from my spectrum of utter despair that I used to be in. So far away from so many of the posts that I have had on here. I like where I am at. Sure, I would love to hang out with friends every once in awhile. Sure, it’d be nice to go to a party or something. But I don’t feel this need that I have to.

Now I feel like I’m repeating myself. But I believe my point was made.

What’s so strange is that I am a happy person.

Like, I really am a happy person.

I just don’t think i ever realized how much anger and pain i push to the back of my head.

Some call it maturity.

Some call it being rational.

I call it a time bomb waiting to go off.

But until then, I push things to the back. Only to let it be brought forward in the mere moments before I fall asleep. Or… in the hours it takes me to fall asleep. This is why I need a tv. I need to jumble the thoughts in my head so I can fall asleep.

Sometimes i wonder if i build up a fake sense of personal sadness because I want a sob story to tell. Then i realize that is crazy. Then i realize i’m not really faking my feelings.

3rd night home for christmas break.

I am perfectly content and happy with myself.

I think.

I feel like I am happy, but the moment i’m alone i realize i’m not.

I don’t mind being alone, but when i want someone around there isnt anyone to be around.

It’s not as bad this time. at all. a little sad, but i’m content.

We don’t have to change friends if we understand friends change.

My dad found this on his fortune cookie. I thought it made a lot of sense. And holds true to so much in my life. People change, friends change, the whole nine yards. Who I hang out with now is not who I’ll hang out in a year from now and so on. People tell me i’ve changed. Of course i’ve changed. I’ve grown up. I’ve turned into who I am today. Is this who I want to be in the future? No. But it’s who I am right now. So I’m going to continue on my way.

I’m just biting back tears.

Tears of unhappiness. Tears of loneliness. Tears of sadness and anger. Tears of frustration and confusion. Just so much tears. I want to tell someone… but what would that do? Nothing. It wouldn’t change a thing. Then i’d have someone looking at me with pity. But it’d be nice then at least someone would know. Someone would at least see past the mask I put on. They would see my sadness.

I have no words for how I feel.

And yet I do.

So the anger I have felt for the douche bag boy that left me as my date during my sorority formal to go to a better party has lessoned, but my saddness and heart ache has grown. Now, him and another girl in my sorority are getting really chummy. She doesn’t know how she feels about him, but I can tell she likes him. And because of me she’s refrained. Because of me, I am hurting the happiness of my sister and that douche… let’s focus more on my sisters happiness. Well, she then proceeds to tell me that he mentioned his shorts and belt that he left in the cabin (the same weekend he ditched me). Meaning, he still is upset that I have them. So, I text him (first time since that weekend, months ago) and I say “Look I didn’t throw your shit away or burn it, cause if I were you i’d want my shit back too. I’ve just been waiting for you to just ask for the damn shorts back”. and he replied “can I have the damn shorts back… and i’m sorry if you think I’m a dick, I understand if you think I am”. and i said “haha well i was being a psycho crazy drunk last year, so your not all to blame. yeah you weren’t the nicest guy in the world but whatever it happens. and liz is a really cool girl so just be nice to her. whenever i remember where i put your pants and belt ill let you know. I have no idea where your tie is though” and he says “Ok well no worries. I heard you were having a good year and you were happy so i’m glad that things are going well for you.” (my sister later tonight told me that her and another sister talked to him about me and said i go out less and i’m really getting my shit together and i seem a lot happier and what not) so i say “ha well thanks. hope your year is going well. and forreal sorry for being a fuckign mess last year! hope we can be straight or whatever :) ” and he says, “I would like if I could to say hello to you if I saw you on campus” and i said, “haha of course!” and he says “gucci”. yup the end of the texting convo.

fast forward to me getting emotionally punched in the stomach. because frankly, despite what i say, no i’m not okay with it. no, i don’t want my sister with him. he’s mine. he is always mine and cant be anyones. but realistically, I know that he can talk to whoever he wants. and frankly this sister is cool. I like her a lot and if anyone were to go after a boy i’d want it to be her. Yeah, i don’t think he’s a nice guy but he did just apologize to me. even if i did instigate the conversation. so naturally i told my sister its okay, and go for it. i said im okay to this guy. I gotta find his shit at my house back at home. but this whole thing makes me so sad.

makes me fee like i’ve gotten kicked in the gut. makes me wanna tear things apart and yell and cry. but of course i just bite back the tears. bite back the unhappiness. just deal with it for the joys of others.

oh, and i fucking drank so much shit this week. like, its insane. i fell off the fucking wagon like there is no tomorrow. and i ate everything in site. and ugh.

why?

I miss drinking.

I need to remember sober again.

Why do I care so fucking much about shit?

I wish i had no emotions. I wish i could understand things. I wish I wish I wish.

I don’t remember being this unhappy last year.

But here I am…