And yet I do.
So the anger I have felt for the douche bag boy that left me as my date during my sorority formal to go to a better party has lessoned, but my saddness and heart ache has grown. Now, him and another girl in my sorority are getting really chummy. She doesn’t know how she feels about him, but I can tell she likes him. And because of me she’s refrained. Because of me, I am hurting the happiness of my sister and that douche… let’s focus more on my sisters happiness. Well, she then proceeds to tell me that he mentioned his shorts and belt that he left in the cabin (the same weekend he ditched me). Meaning, he still is upset that I have them. So, I text him (first time since that weekend, months ago) and I say “Look I didn’t throw your shit away or burn it, cause if I were you i’d want my shit back too. I’ve just been waiting for you to just ask for the damn shorts back”. and he replied “can I have the damn shorts back… and i’m sorry if you think I’m a dick, I understand if you think I am”. and i said “haha well i was being a psycho crazy drunk last year, so your not all to blame. yeah you weren’t the nicest guy in the world but whatever it happens. and liz is a really cool girl so just be nice to her. whenever i remember where i put your pants and belt ill let you know. I have no idea where your tie is though” and he says “Ok well no worries. I heard you were having a good year and you were happy so i’m glad that things are going well for you.” (my sister later tonight told me that her and another sister talked to him about me and said i go out less and i’m really getting my shit together and i seem a lot happier and what not) so i say “ha well thanks. hope your year is going well. and forreal sorry for being a fuckign mess last year! hope we can be straight or whatever :) ” and he says, “I would like if I could to say hello to you if I saw you on campus” and i said, “haha of course!” and he says “gucci”. yup the end of the texting convo.
fast forward to me getting emotionally punched in the stomach. because frankly, despite what i say, no i’m not okay with it. no, i don’t want my sister with him. he’s mine. he is always mine and cant be anyones. but realistically, I know that he can talk to whoever he wants. and frankly this sister is cool. I like her a lot and if anyone were to go after a boy i’d want it to be her. Yeah, i don’t think he’s a nice guy but he did just apologize to me. even if i did instigate the conversation. so naturally i told my sister its okay, and go for it. i said im okay to this guy. I gotta find his shit at my house back at home. but this whole thing makes me so sad.
makes me fee like i’ve gotten kicked in the gut. makes me wanna tear things apart and yell and cry. but of course i just bite back the tears. bite back the unhappiness. just deal with it for the joys of others.
oh, and i fucking drank so much shit this week. like, its insane. i fell off the fucking wagon like there is no tomorrow. and i ate everything in site. and ugh.
I miss drinking.
I need to remember sober again.
Why do I care so fucking much about shit?
I wish i had no emotions. I wish i could understand things. I wish I wish I wish.
I don’t remember being this unhappy last year.
But here I am…